Infertility has opened my eyes to the naïveté of our society. People assume if you don’t have children then that’s the way you wanted it. For some people it is. Not so for us. We desperately want to be parents.
People believe A LOT of old wives tales. You know…put your bed facing East, use this essential oil, conception occurs most during a full moon…I’ve heard them all.
People are well intentioned, but have very little knowledge of fertility and have absolutely no idea what to say when faced with the topic. I’ve heard some doozies.
Here are 8 things I wish people wouldn’t say to someone suffering from infertility:
1. “You can have my kids”…don’t tempt me people! But seriously! You’re children are a blessing.
2. “You don’t know how lucky you are. You’re free to do whatever you want. Kids are a lot of work.”
Just think before you speak!
What I want is to have a baby, be a mother and put in the work that those sweet souls deserve from the adults in their lives.
Venting  about you kids, pregnancy or childbirth is fine…maybe just think twice about complaining to someone who would give anything to have those experiences.
3. You can always adopt!
Yes we can…but it will not fill the void in my heart.  Adoption is wonderful and we fully intend to adopt. But think about it for a second…do you think adoption replaces the experience of nurturing your own child from conception to birth? I realize not everyone enjoys pregnancy…I’d probably be miserable! However, it’s something I would love to experience.  That being said, we will love our children unconditionally regardless of how they come to us.
4. “Stop trying and it will happen.” This is the one we hear most often.
Really?! Because the 4 years of peeing on sticks, painful procedures, mood antagonizing meds and invasive fertility treatments didn’t work. But doing nothing will?
During a woman’s cycle there is a very limited window for conception with a 10-25% chance of getting pregnant each month. And that’s if everything is working correctly.
This statement is derived from a wives tale that suggests stress causes fertility issues…it doesn’t…there is always another cause. However, fertility treatments are extremely stressful.
5. “It will happen in Gods time” or “If it’s meant to be it will happen.”
These statements are just really hurtful!
So…does God hate me? What did I do that was so terrible?
God loves you! Infertility is not a punishment, it’s a medical condition.
6. “If you lose a few pounds it will probably happen.”
Just No!
While a healthy weight is always a goal, don’t kick a girl when she’s down!
BTW…I lost 40 pounds and it didn’t help at all!
7. “You can always do IVF.”
Sure…who’s going to fund this? Are you going to also pay for the time we both need off work? Are you going to endure the pain of the procedure and the real possibility of failure? The success rate is around 40% and the cost is $12,000-$20,000 on average. Oh and if you have insurance that payes for 80% of the procedure…great. You’ll only have to come up with 20% AND the cost of the medication…$3000-$5000…IVF is not for everyone.
8. “Don’t give up, it will happen.”
Or it won’t.
Stopping fertility treatments was a very hard decision .  It was the right decision for us. It doesn’t mean we are giving up…it simply means we are moving on.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO!
Listen and learn about what your friend is going through, if they want to share.
Do share your good news! We want to be invited to baby showers and birthday parties! We are happy to support you in all of your excitement! But sometimes it’s hard, so please be understanding when we opt out of social engagements.
It’s not easy to know what to say. So just acknowledge that we are struggling…you don’t really have to say anything at all.
Life is hard y’all! Let’s be kind and supportive!!!